RuffBlog

I'm like weirdly excited

I'm like weirdly excited about Lululemon.... my roommate works at a private school in westmount, and apparently all the nine year olds are wearing lululemon headbands... and you know, i, um, really aspire to be as cool as a nine year old. (Safi was trying to tell me about the brand like it was really annoying and I went to the website and was like.... woah.... i want i want i want)

(It's a yoga lifestyle brand. not that i really do yoga. but i'm sure i'd feel more motivated, if i had a wardrobe full of pretty clothes) I mean, I could be like a hunky guy sitting on a petrified tree stump with a ball between my legs. It's a goal....

Death in Venice

We watched John Greyson's ADS Epidemic in Contemporary Art today. The video integrated ideas from Death in Venice, which, I remember passing at the video store last night. I may pick it up and watch it, along with Citizen Kane, later this week.

My Lifestyle

I was asked yesterday to rate my level of contentment in regards to my lifestyle yesterday. I misinterpreted the question and it ended up being very profound.

My lifestyle... it's dirty and lazy and totally disregards how I've always thought I'd be living. And this all makes me wonder if I'll ever reach where I thought I should be, and if not, does it mean my expectations are being lowered.

If I can't handle something in life, it must surely be the idea that I'm going to end up any less than what my imagination builds for me. It is here where my life seems destined to fail.

155

155. That feels fat.

Maybe it's nervous envious body image crisis, I can think of a few reasons why... but I weight in at 155 yesterday morning. I panicked....

Ephedrine... Cardio... Protein Shakes... I guess it's true: I've spent three weeks wrecking myself...

how many weeks will it take to build myself back up? going to the gym, eating well... and feeling, when I walk out my door ready to face the world, that I look great, command attention, and feel confident.

Gym Card

I still don't have a gym card with my picture on it.

three weeks ago they went to take my gym card photo, and the little polaroid film jammed in it. the girl didn't know how to fix it.

last week the guy asked me if i wanted to try again, making some french joke reference to what happened last time. i smiled, indifferent, and we shot it again.

i went to pick the card up tonight, and they couldn't find it.... when i finished my workout, they explained, unexplicably, that it hadn't worked.

so they shot it a third time.

Mirrors and McDonald's

Um... I spent all day saying "I'll go to the gym in an hour"

But I procrastinated for so long, that in the end I was like "screw it. it's too late. I'm hungry"

I went to McDonald's.

:-(

The clubs have proven good to me this weekend... people are noticing me, and it feels great. I'm looking in the mirrors and feeling great, too. So it's motivating. And I'm realizing just how critical the abs are. I'm not there yet, but my focus on the abs will get there soon enough.

M & M's

I went to the gym each of the past three days. That feels great.

And my motivation is up. Way up. But it's time for a break. I've been really tired all week, which of course is, in part, because of Saturday night.

I'm eating well, too, but I'm out of groceries now. Money is on my mind - I've got to eat well, and be frugal about it too. At least for a few weeks until things sort themselves out.

I ate a bag of M & M's yesterday, coming back from the Musee des Beaux Arts. It was cool, because there was no guilt in it... I just felt like I deserved the chocolate. I felt like telling people on the metro which color I liked best.

Early

first time i'd been to the gym so early in the morning.

felt really good, getting out of the house so early, with my gear and a big list of things to do all day.

they played dumb morning radio though. i couldn't find my headphones. good workout otherwise though, esp. the cardio.

got cornered in the sauna by a hot muscledad. hehe i was impressed to get the attention, but didn't chat long. had to get to class.

they got their camera for the membership cards. but the girl fucked it up (jammed the polaroid cartridge or something) so they said they'll take it next time. just as well.

i woke up so early this morning. i'm trying to force myself to stay up until around 10pm... can't keep falling asleep every afternoon.

Am I Motivated

Am I motivated? No, not really. I feel numb about everything. But I've got to get to the gym. It's one of the easiest things I can control in life... like making my bed, or deciding to smile. And yet, sometimes it's so hard.

I just need to get into a habit of doing, not intending to do. Because that only makes it hurt more when I don't actually follow through.

Out of Food

I'm out of food.

And I have no money to fill my fridge back up right now. All that's left is.. um... pasta, tomato juice, soy milk, wheaties, and enough protein to make a few shakes.